Coming to Terms with My Hair
I haven’t seen my natural hair colour in 10 years.
Until I cut all the blue and bleach of out it, ending up with about an inch of dark, ash-blonde fuzz.
The Saga of My Hair has been a long, fascinating story spanning a full decade. When I was in junior high, I decided that I wanted to have blue hair, but my mom strictly forbid it until I was 16 (at which point and since then she’s helped me with it). I didn’t start there, sadly – the first experiment was with Natural Instincts brightest red – but over the years, my hair’s been nearly every colour I could get my hands on. I’ve had white, black, natural brown/red/blonde, fire-engine red, midnight blue, royal blue, turquoise, apple green, ultraviolet, and bubblegum pink.
People always asked my why I did the crazy colours. Am I being a rebel? Sticking it to someone? Trying to be a punk? Trying to be fashionable? Looking for attention? But it’s never been about any of that. Nothing to rebel against, really, and I get plenty of positive attention already. I do it because I think it’s pretty, and, as someone once sagely commented, because my natural hair colour is the only one that doesn’t look right on me.
And now…
Now I’m going to grow it out, healthy and unchemicaled, for a year.
I’m not sure what spurred the change. I think it’s got something to do with laziness. Having to do upkeep on the bleach and the colour in my increasingly-porous hair is pretty time-consuming and can be expensive. Plus, it’s hell on the hair itself – it shouldn’t stretch when it’s wet, yanno? And the length has something to do with it, too, I think. I grew it for a year before the wedding and liked the end result (even if you can’t tell in the pics cos the guy put my hair in a bun!), so I want to see if I can do it again.
But I’ve run into a bit of a brick wall. I’ve had crazy hair for so long that it’s become part of who I am; losing that aspect of my description, of my beauty, is harder for me to cope with than I’d anticipated. Like, I know that it’s part of the reason Mr. Man was/is attracted to me. Now that it’s gone, I find myself feeling extremely vulnerable and worried that he doesn’t think I’m as pretty anymore because I lost that “edginess” (I have the same worry about my piercings, which is why I still have them). When all that damaged hair hit the salon floor, some new idea opened a crack in some of my issues and I’m working on healing it up.
Part of me is going to miss the little old ladies in the supermarket who say, “Your hair is so beautiful. I wish I could dye mine (insert colour here).” And the little kids who excitedly tug on their mommy’s and daddy’s shirts saying “Look at her hair! Can I do that?” in hushed tones. Part of me is going to wonder if I’m less special now because I’m not colourful or funky. If I’m going to become bland on the inside to match what I see on the outside. Part of me is going to feel like my husband doesn’t find me as attractive. That I’m no longer the hot, sexy mess he first lusted after.
But I’ll go forward and iron it all out and work on other ways to be different. And I’ll still be special and I’ll still be sexy without my hair to identify me.
Posted: December 14th, 2009 under fashion, personal.
Comments
Comment from Jennifer Nicole
December 14, 2009 at 4:42 PM
This may surprise you – it surprises most people – but I used to have fire engine red, one-inch-long hair and seventeen different piercings.
Removing the piercings was a slow process (and I still have a few – my nostril and a couple of less visible ones) but my decision to go natural with my hair had to be more immediate – a line in the sand.
I used to dye my hair for the same reasons you did, but also because I really liked change. So I had to force myself to think of natural hair as a different form of beauty, and a change that would be just as interesting – to me – as the first time I tried red or blue or orange creamsicle. (That one was…interesting.) It helped to think of it that way; to “own” a much more vulnerable look than I was used to.
No matter what helps you feel more confident about it, good luck. It’s a long process, but after I finally grew my hair out naturally, it took me years to even get a few highlights…it was just so nice to have “virgin” hair again!
Comment from Hayden Tompkins
December 14, 2009 at 5:08 PM
A year ago I don’t think I would have understood where you are coming from. But after I shaved off all of my hair? It was more traumatizing than I thought it would ever be.
I didn’t think I was particularly attached to my hair at all. It was a complete surprise to find out that it WAS such a part of my inner self concept.
I know this is going to be weird for you, but I think it’s going to be a good thing.
{hug}
Comment from Jaka Merriman
December 14, 2009 at 5:15 PM
@Katie It really is a huge makeover and it’s taking a while to get used to. I’ve always been quick to get bored with my hair and this is going to be quite a challenge for me! My best suggestion for getting your hair in better shape is to use deep conditioners. I’m not sure what your beauty supply options are in NZ, but Aphogee is great stuff.
Comment from Jaka Merriman
December 14, 2009 at 5:18 PM
@Jen Duuuuude! Are there pics somewhere? Cos you’re right that it’s surprising to me (and very awesome)! I’m hoping that I’ll be up to the challenge. Danielle over at Final Fashion is doing the same thing (totally coincidentally), so having a hair-buddy should help.
And the piercing thing – I’ve got three (nose, tongue, navel) and I’ve been teetering back and forth for a year or so about whether it’s time to take them out. I have a lot of the same associations with them as I do/did with my hair, although not as strongly.
Thanks for sharing! And I demand to see those pics. :3
Comment from Jaka Merriman
December 14, 2009 at 5:19 PM
@Hayden It’s weird, innit? Especially when I never thought I’d bought into that particular aspect of the beauty myth. It’s getting easier and easier to adjust to it every day, but it’s a little disconcerting to look in the mirror, still. And like I’ve said for years and years – it’s just hair; it’ll grow back.
Thanks for the hugs and for sharing your hair-ness. <3
Comment from Ginger
December 14, 2009 at 6:26 PM
You ARE special and sexy! Now matter what colour your hair ends up being.
True, it has been a part of you for so long, but won’t it be nice to try something new and different? Because having your natural hair is that way now! LOL
I don’t think you have to worry about your hubby being less attracted to you. And remember that there are lots of other ways that you can continue to express yourself–including makeup and fashion! ooh la la!
You mentioned your piercings as well… I’ve got a few too and it seems weird to look at myself when I take them out from time to time. They’ve been a part of me for so long.
If you DO take yours out, just remember that you can always get them again! That’s the great part about piercings 
And I guess the same can be said for hair, too! You could always dye it one more time if you got tired of the natural look.
Comment from Jaka Merriman
December 14, 2009 at 6:53 PM
@Ginger Yeah, the great thing about hair dye and piercings is that they’re not irreversible (in either direction). And thanks for the confidence boost, hon. <3
Comment from Sheena
December 15, 2009 at 4:58 PM
I hope that the new change to your hair will be a good thing in more ways than you think. Hair can be such an important part of our self-expression, that we sometimes really do take it for granted. I’ve only dyed my hair a lame-ass brown once in my life, but I know I’ve struggled with other aspects of my hair. Hopefully after playing around with it and finding some other alternatives, it’ll give you some new and fresh ideas!
Comment from Dad
December 15, 2009 at 6:54 PM
I like it, I like it!
Comment from Michelle
January 20, 2010 at 1:47 PM
I can relate to this post on so many levels. My dad would never let me dye my hair when I lived at home so until I was 18 I mostly just had long, very pretty brown hair.
As soon as I got to college it was purple, bright red, hot pink, blue, green, blonde, faux hawks, extensions…anything I could get my hands on. When I graduated and had to start thinking about the type of styles i’d have to adopt in order to be more marketable in the business world, it was completely heart breaking. My hair was a HUGE enjoyment for me…I loved the hot pink pigtails and didn’t want to see them go!
I tried my natural color this summer and it just looked…weird? Haha…I am not sure when I will ever go back to what I came into this world having!
Comment from Jaka Merriman
January 20, 2010 at 2:19 PM
@Michelle: Ooooh, extensions! My hair was never long enough for them, but I always wanted to try it out. And I totally hear you about the heartbreak. Having the grownup world being so uncool and bland can definitely get ya down. And my natural haircolour seems weird to me, too! It’s kind of neat, though, because I haven’t seen it since it changed colour (it used to be superblonde naturally). I just found out it’s got red in it! Maybe you’ll come to love your natural tones, too.
Comment from Katie
December 14, 2009 at 3:58 PM
Changing your hair is SUCH a make-over! I love the change. I’ve also had all different colours for fun. Because I like the change really I get bored having it the same for too long. You look good in any colour. Total babe x
I’m growing mine at the moment it’s black and I’m trying to get it into a good condition ha so I know that stretch feeling haha.